This Isn't A TV Show Damn It!
by Shadow of the Forgotten Ones
Summary: Bofur lives in the middle of a Bumfuck Nowhere beside a jungle. He's a fan of TV maybe too much of a fan when he sees a Dinosaur. He of course calls his Paleobotanist friend who doesn't believe him. But maybe there is something going on.
1. Prologue

**AN: I really love dino's and I wish that I had the right stuff to be a Paleontologist. And yeah I probably will be referencing Primeval and Jurassic Park. I am not British so I will probably mess up on any British sayings I want to use, cause I see Bilbo living in England while Bofur lives in like Brazil.**

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Bofur is a miner by trade and a toymaker by heart. And there is plenty of opportunities for both trades in the small village in the middle of Bumfuck Nowhere surrounded by jungles and the quarry where Bofur spends most of his time working. It's a village that his cousin Bifur stopped at during on of his tours whilst he was in the Guard, before he took a bullet to the brain. Before the older male lost nearly all ways to communicate. It was a large shock to Bofur when his cousin started to talk in ancient Gaelic, Bofur didn't even know Bifur knew how to speak Gaelic. So they settled down in that tiny village in the middle of Bumfuck Nowhere that Bifur absolutely seemed to love whenever he talked about it, before. So Bofur learned ancient Gaelic, moved himself with Bifur to this shitty place and watched Bombur move his life too. His baby brother Bombur, a up and coming architect moved with them. Sometimes Bofur hates the oppressive heat, the pouring rain, the lack of anything remotely civilized but then he see Bombur with his wife, a doctor from Doctors Without Borders who is a damn fine cook, and he thinks it might be okay. Another good thing to happen is the return of Bifur's smile.

Bofur thinks over his life as he walks deep into the jungle, needing the calm chaos that it is to sooth his nerves after a long shift in the mine. And as he walks he carves, just a silly little figure that probably won't even sell, his hands nice and steady. Until he notices that the jungle has fallen silent. Now he isn't the brightest bulb in the box, the sharpest knife in the drawer all those other things that say he isn't bright after all you don't become a miner if you're smart, but he knows a thing or two. Like if a previously loud jungle goes silent then there is something big and or bad coming. He's read enough crime and mystery books along with both of the Jurassic Park books, seen all the movies, seen both the Primeval series and a shit ton of other shit that taught him a lot. And the stuff he didn't know he looked up. So he freezes, and yes he knows that is useless because what kind of predator can't see an unmoving prey and dear god don't let whatever it is be a meat eater! But he can't climb a tree because he's in a fucking jungle and jungles have their own natural predators that can climb on their own. So he freezes and tries to blend in with his surroundings.

That's when _it_ lumbers by. He can tell by the lack of long, pointy, pointy teeth that it isn't a pure carnivore but that doesn't mean it isn't an omnivore and he doesn't even know what kind of creature can get that big. He stares at it remembering books that he has read and documentaries that he has seen and his breath catches. Could it really be!? A living breathing dinosaur? Oh how he wished he could tell for sure if it was and what kind it is if it is a dino. A fucking dino. After what feels like hours of watching it, the damn thing just turns around and leaves. He stumbles home, his legs not wanting to work after standing so long, his hands searching out his satellite phone, the only damn thing that gets a signal. Bilbo will know and if he doesn't then maybe one of Bilbo's other friends might. Cause Bilbo is a Paleobotanist and has paleo ties.

Bilbo will know what to do, the lad has always known what to do…But what are the fucking odds that a bloody dinosaur would show up in Bumfuck Nowhere?!


	2. A Phone Call

**AN: And here is another chapter. I'm having a lot of fun with this AU and I hope you do too**

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" _Bofur… It's not only unlikely but completely impossible for what you say to be a dinosaur."_

Even though the voice is distorted by static and the random bouts in which his phone crackles Bofur knows the tone of voice Bilbo is using. It's the, 'I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt so that you don't act a bloody fool and get yourself killed' voice. It's the voice when he said when Bofur told him that he could do something that ended up being a bit not good health wise.

"We thought that about that one fish thing too though. That one that is millions of years old that fishermen are dragging up."

" _But what you saw wasn't a fish Bo."_

"It could 'ave hidden like the fish! Sides this is a jungle right? Lots o' hiding places here!"

" _Have you been drinking and watching Discovery Channel again?"_

"Wha? No course not…. Well maybe…. but that doesn't matter the dino that is hiding in the jungle matters. The jungle is always producing new creatures right?"

" _That would make it an undiscovered animal not a dinosaur… If you see it again get a picture of it and send it to me yeah? But! Don't go hunting it down. If I hear word of you doing fool adventures in that jungle…"_

"You'll skin me alive and leave me defenseless against Lobelia."

" _Damn right."_

Bofur grins and with his fingers crossed behind his back promises not to do anything stupid.

" _Why do I not believe you?"_

"You wound me! I gave my word, didn't I?"

" _Yes but you also promised_ _ **not**_ _to try and sneak into the fifth floor office of that prat professor and prank him and what did you do?"_

"I tried to scale up the wall and ended up breaking my arm."

" _And who got called in the middle of the night because your cousin was overseas and you refused to give them Bombur's number?"_

"You did."

" _I think I have plenty of reasons to be worried."_

"Bilbo, I promise I'm not going to do anything stupid. Dealing with Belia once when she's trying to be motherly is enough."

He hears Bilbo give a disbelieving noise and can imagine him shaking his head.

" _I'm trusting you Bofur… I got to get back. That ass and I have a duel lecture to give soon and if I don't walk him to the classroom he'll get lost."_

"Talk to you later Bilbo. Don't kill Thorin."

" _I'll try not too."_

Bofur huffs a laugh and hangs up. He turns around, mind already coming up with ways to find the dino again and prove that he's right, when he comes face to face with his cousin. Bifur raises an eyebrow at him when he jumps into the air but otherwise looks very unimpressed.

" **You're going to go after it.** "

"Am I that transparent?"

" **Yes.** "

Bofur grins sheepishly.

"I'll go with a gun if that'll make ya feel better."

" **You not going at all would make me feel better.** "

"Biiiiffff, I'm a big boy. Ya don't have to worry about me," Bofur whines softly.

Bifur shakes his head.

" **I'm coming with, no arguments and I'm telling Bilbo.** "

Bofur pales.

"Please don't!"

Bifur walks away chuckling.


	3. In The Jungle The Mighty Jungle

**AN: I am loving this fic i really do and I hope you guys are too**

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Bifur follows his younger cousin resisting the urge to shake Bofur's shoulders until the dolt sees sense. Because chasing after an animal in the jungle is a stupid idea! But once Bofur gets an idea stuck in that thick skull of his he goes through with it. A prime example of this is him dropping everything to take care of Bifur after his brains got scrambled and now suffers not only violent outbursts but memory loss as well or Bofur becoming a miner to try to support them. Bifur sighs and shakes his head fondly though it is tinged with regret. Before he joined Her Majesty's Royal Army Bifur had dabbled in languages; old and current he loved them all, loved the culture that came with them. Before the bullet he could speak five current languages and three dead ones; after it he could only speak one even though he still understood them all. This causes him no short amount of trouble in day to day life and many believe him stupid. He's not though he's not a genius either, and right now he's questioning Bofur's intelligence.

Bofur pauses, adjusting the strap around his neck, trying to keep it from biting into his skin. Bifur, the paranoid prat, wouldn't let him carry a gun so he was stuck with just the camera. The jungle around them looks familiar, but then it all looks the same to him. So he looks down, all creatures leave footprints and larger ones leave more noticeable ones. It takes a few hours to find any large footprints, ones that Bofur hopes is Dino's and snaps a few photos. The further they go in the more evidence that there is something large living in the jungle. Bifur makes them stop when it starts to get dark. He looks over at Bofur and hesitantly hands over the a gun, a Remington Rifle, and scales a tall tree. They agreed that it would be better to take the chances of finding a tree climbing cat then to be stepped on by whatever made the prints on the ground, so Bifur is going to make an impromptu hammock in the tree. And it's while Bifur is in the tree that the very thing they are looking for lumbers by. It's different from the first one he saw. This one has a long neck and walks on four thick legs. Bofur takes a picture of it, straining to get it all in one shot. The animal, dinosaur his mind screams, doesn't like the flash. At all. So he doesn't risk taking another picture. _Bilbo is going to kill me_ , he thinks numbly as the ground shakes with each step the dino takes.

"That's so cool!"

Bofur jumps and spins around, face paling when he sees his seven year old nephew, Jorn, looking at the dinosaur with wide eyes. _Scratch that, Nurra is going to kill him. Kill his slowly and skin whilst he's still alive._

"It looks like a small sauropod!" the boy exclaims "A long necked dio, uncle Bo," the boy explains at Bofur's confused look. He's still in his dino kick that all kids go through and he doesn't seem to want to get out it. Bofur files the info away for later and tries to look like his sister-in-law when the kids do something wrong.

"Have you been following us _all_ day?"

Jorn shifts uncomfortably.

"Maybe."

"Do your parents know you're out here?"

"Nooooooo."

"You are so going to be grounded when we get home."

Jorn sticks out his tongue.

"And mum is gonna skin ya for not noticin' me sooner… Ah Uncle Bo… I think we should climb a tree now…"

Bofur fights the urge to look back as he and Jorn quickly scale the closest tree, which thankfully is the one with Bifur. And now that he isn't screaming in his head that he is a dead man thrice over he notices that the noise that normally accompanies the jungle is missing. The feel of sharp teeth graze graze his ankles and rip his pants. Once they are safely up in three, hopefully safely anyway, Bifur cuffs Bofur.

" _Why didn't you shoot it_?"

"Shoot it!? It's a dino!"

Bifur takes the gun from Bofur.

" _Can it climb_?" he asks Jorn aiming the gun at the dinosaur, he doesn't care if it's some endangered animal if it tries to eat his family he's shooting the damn thing.

"I don't think so."

" _Well this night just got longer…_ " Bifur sighs.


End file.
